1. Starbucks. Maybe it’s the straight-edge non-conformist in me, but I believe coffee drinkers that shell out big money for an inferior, uber-commercialized product are #1. Addicts, #2. financially inept idiots, #3. sheep. You may as well go buy crack from McDonald’s as far as I’m concerned, don’t worry, I won’t think any less of you than I already do. You think you are hot shit with your Starbucks mugs and your Starbucks this and your Starbucks that. “Oh let’s go to Starbucks”. Yeah, maybe I’ll meet you there with my bottle of RO water in my re-useable BPA-free container. I swear sometimes I am the most closed-minded entrepreneur in the world because I cannot believe people would pay insane prices for shitty, too-hot, calorie-crammed fancy coffee day after day after day. Really? Now I’ll admit, I tolerate drinking their Tazo tea, if only because I know the story of the man who invented and pitched it. But really, does it need to be 500 degrees, not seeped to save its shitty short life, and does it really need three cups plus a cup koozie? Do I LOOK like I want “whip” on that? On the semi-annual occasion I do purchase a small cup of Tazo from Starbucks, I make a point to say “SMALL”. I refuse to say grande or latte or venti or whatever. I love when the barista says, “Oh, you want a tall?” NO, I WANT A FUCKING SMALL. Tall does not equal small. And, IN ENGLISH, PLEASE. Stop pretending to be some elite artisianal Italian cafe, fakers. Puh-lease, you were started in Seattle. Now I will admit, I like all the fair-trade deals they claim they’ve got goin’ on. However, I wonder how much of that is BS. Can you imagine how hard it is to scale for that size company? If it’s true, great, but something tells me a lot of it is publicity for their company image. McDonald’s of Caffeine.
2. i-Things. Mac, Apple, whatever you want to call it, I think it’s overpriced, commercialized, closed-source, fancy-shmancy, piles of shit for wannabe’s or the nouveau riche/hood-rich. REAL people with financial sense may have the occasional iPhone or iPad or apple desktop, but you people who need EVERYTHING to be Mac are, I’m sorry, super retarded. Is this you: “Oh my god I need everything to match and be Apple”, “Oh my god I want everyone to know I paid triple for this item with the snazzy Apple logo on it than what its worth”, “Oh my god I want everyone to know I’m a hipster/”with it”/”tech-savvy”/cool person”? Go look in the mirror, then slap yourself.
3. Dogs. Now before you crucify me, do know that I like some dogs, from afar. I grew up with dogs, I’ve always had dogs, in fact I have a dog now. He’s alright. But I keep dogs for one reason: protection. Good for deterring robbers, attackers, and wolves. They are working animals, and that is all. I can’t stand when people have these obnoxious, untrained, drooly, stinky mutts that jump on you the second they see you, bark incessantly, piss and shit all over the place, have absolutely no discipline, which is always made worse when the owner thinks its funny or cute. I don’t mind giving a polite dog a pat on the head if they sit nicely, don’t drool or bark, aren’t hairy, and smell freshly shampooed. But you dog lovers that wrestle on the ground with your smelly canine counterparts, all tongue and dog vag and lipstick dick and dirty paws, touch their sopping wet nasty toys, make cleaning up excrement in your house part of your a daily routine, and allow your bed to reek of dog…I could never be you.
4. YouTube. I don’t actually hate YouTube. There is SO much great info on it: endless mashups of kittens being cute, DIY instructions on how to perform brain surgery, and that sobbing Britney Spears guy/girl thing. However, if I watch a YouTube video, it is to learn a particular skill. I have never understood the kinds of people that aimlessly watch stupid video after stupid video, just to pass the time. “Have you seen this on YouTube?!?!” I mean, first off, what kind of job do you have that you can have the volume turned up all day, no matter what is blurted out on the video. Screaming, swearing, cackling, something loud…where do you work or live that the people surrounding you don’t get turned off and tell you to shut that fuckin’ thing up? Second of all, it goes sooooo slooooow. I’m not talking about the connection, I am referring to the actual videos. I mean, I read faster than people talk, plus some video-makers are such lousy and slow, messed-up speakers. Watching videos makes me feel like I’m always looking at my watch, “come ON! Where is the important part?!? What is the POINT?” Imagine having a fiber-optic brain in a dial-up world. Do we really need two whole minutes of your pixelated Comic Sans font title screen with some obnoxious country song playing in the background? What about people who make “videos” of still photos? I could have Google Image searched that and found all that and more in 1.1 seconds. And I will be SO glad when the day comes that the millions of shitty, grainy low-def videos get pushed to the dusty 1980′s R2D2-like server where they belong, or where ever sad, unwanted old data dies.
5. Yahoo and Bing. What is wrong with you, Hotmail users, that you are still living under a rock? Why don’t you just use Google? Hello, save every email you ever need, Hello Google Docs and cloud computing. You do know that you don’t need an invitation to join Gmail You probably are still concerned with the size of the hard-drive on the new computer you are buying, aren’t you? You probably don’t even know what I am talking about. Let’s just stay acquaintances.
6. Soccer. First of all, why can’t the world decide on a name for your beloved sport? Is is soccer or futbol or football? You really like arguing and confrontation that much, don’t you? I swear, soccer has become the next hockey: people go to games just to instigate brawls. I don’t hate soccer, but I definitely don’t like it. I just don’t get it! All these countries, taking so seriously a game of kicking a funny-looking ball around, and you can’t touch it with your hands. Who invented this ridiculousness? Why don’t you just pick up the ball? Additionally, I have personally known three people who sustained life-threatening injuries, all from soccer. Broken bones sticking out of the leg, broken teeth, torn ligaments, all put back together with screws and plates and string and staples and fake teeth. Who would have thought it would be so dangerous!?! Isn’t bopping a ball with your head all the time a bad idea? Hello, Traumatic Brain Injury. And aren’t soccer teams colors kind of like gang colors, to some degree? Don’t people randomly fight people wearing their favorite team’s enemy colors? Why are people so obsessed with playing? Soccer moms. Bitches. Prescription drugs. Mini vans. Smelly uniforms. A thousand plastic trophies you don’t deserve because everyone gets one, mostly featuring a little gold man kicking a ball while upside down, which you can’t do. Spending every waking after school and weekend on the sidelines hoping your benched kid gets to play for a minute OR hoping your three year-old soccer star doesn’t tear an ACL. None of this sounds pleasant to me.
7. Babies. Ok, ok, maybe I don’t hate things as much as I pretend to. I’m a big talker, and I like to pretend I’m a cold-hearted bad-ass. I don’t hate babies. In fact, I rather like some of them. I don’t have kids yet, but I bet I when I do I will even love them. However, that is not to say babies aren’t overrated. I see them much the same as I see dogs. They should be working babies that clean your house and do tricks that you can live vicariously through and make you look like the parent of the year! LMAO I’m kidding. But some people blindly LOVE babies. Any baby they can get their hands on, they want. They want to touch it, and talk to it and put its hands and feet in their mouth and do all these things with it. This, I don’t understand. There are grouchy babies and ugly babies and sticky, smelly babies. Not all babies are cute and happy. Although some are cuter than others at some point, they pretty much all get slopped out looking the same: purpley-red, bald, fat, with milky eyes, bloody, writhing and screaming. A naked mole rat is more attractive at this point.
Don’t worry, there will be more to come…